Tomorrow (almost considered today at 11:37 pm) I will leave on a plane from O'Hare Airport for the 40/40 leadership/discipleship program into the wilderness and as I type this I don't think it has fully hit me yet...scratch that. It has not hit me yet...when it will it will probably hit me like a ton of bricks over and over again (just kidding).
It's about 8 months since I knew I was going to the wilderness but sitting here today looking over 10 different scrambled lists with cross-outs, penciled in notes, and marker streaks as well as 3 different bags full of wilderness equipment, it just got pretty darn real.
Most people when they hear i am going to the wilderness have 1 of 4 reactions.
1. They laugh and ask if they heard right..surely she said 14 days not 40 (this happened tonight in my neighbor's backyard)
2. Why would you ever do such a thing!? Followed by- why don't you go do what the normal kids do and go make some money in an internship or a nice little job in town.
3. They take me with a nice little squeeze of my arm and say have fun!
4. Why... followed by a blank stare (this just makes things uncomfortable).
The funny thing is when this has happened i have usually laughed right along with them because I know it doesn't make sense in a lot of ways...but in a lot of other ways it does.
The really funny thing to me is I feel just about as ready as I did 8 months ago. I find myself taking deeper and deeper breaths as I look at the date at my phone and I laugh to myself...mostly because I think this is literally right where Jesus wants me. Not trusting in myself but depending upon Him for strength, courage, and peace of mind on every single step even in the final days before the trip. This year has been a whirlwind and honestly one of my biggest fears comes down to health for this trip. My immune system just didn't really like me very much this year and I was sick about 70% of the time whether it was a cold, sore throat, mono, or something random. I literally got sick if I didn't get 8-9 hours of sleep and If you know me you will know how much I despise being sick, feeling sick, and having to stop doing life as usual. Sickness has been a huge thing I have been very humbled by this year... so the fact that I am going into the wilderness for 40 days is most definitely going to be a challenge on the health front.
Yet today I found myself reading Luke 9 and this verse really struck me deeply.
"When the days were approaching for His ascension, He set His face to go to Jerusalem." -Luke 9:51
In the commentary (I am obsessed with commentaries ) it says: "All along this consecrated road He walked- each step was a separate act of will." This idea of intentionality in every decision, every step has reminded me that Jesus was abandoned to His Father's will. He deliberately laid His life down for the world to know the love of the Father. John 14:31 says, "...but I do as the Father has commanded me so that the world may know the love of the Father."
This entire year the Lord has stripped me of control and reminded me again and again that my life is His. Very hard lessons but very needed for the perfectionist controller I often am. I have continuously been brought to make decisions that make little sense at the time only to look back and see His hand steadily at work in every single detail.
The thing is that every step, every breath, every day is tied to the greater reality of Christ. He is the King who has ascended and is reigning on the throne. Though there will be great adversity, suffering, challenges, intense fears to overcome, difficult relationships and people to deal with, all is working towards the glory of God. Colossians 1:16 says that "He is before all things and in Him all things hold together". Every day is written in His book and He knows every breath I will take, every choice i will make, every time I will mess up. There is a whole world out there. Many walk blinded and unaware of the reality of Christ and with hearts untouched by His healing and love. This truth is too much for me to sit around and just swallow it- God calls us to get up and GO sometimes...I would argue a lot of times even if it is just next door or to a friend we know.
I fully believe and know there will be days on this trip where I want to stop (maybe many days haha). There will most likely be times where I wonder why the heck I am doing this and wonder why I am not home in my bed listening to Jesus Culture or going out for frozen yogurt...and then that is when I pray Jesus reminds me and humbles me to my knees to remember the intensity and scale of the love I have been shown on the cross.
I am going on this trip because I believe that there is a HOPE, a LOVE, a STORY so much bigger unfolding all around us. There is a LIVING GOD who called me to go on this trip and He is crying out to be known in this generation-- to show a fatherless generation that there is an answer to their pain and emptiness-- that there is a God who longs for you to know Him.
You may be called to stay where you are and get a job, go work at a camp, or travel across the world-- what matters is that you are seeking to do the will of God and give His name glory wherever you are. For me, this summer happens to hold a trip to wilderness- that is absolutely no better than any other trip/job/ thing that anyone else is called to do.
I think of this song by Meredith Andrews and it echoes the cry of my heart, "Break what needs breaking til You are all they see, Start with me." This year has revealed so many different reasons- big and small- for going on this. Though it intimidates me and scares me in a lot of ways (i could make you a nice long list that runs off the page) I turn my eyes to JESUS and remember He is worth it. He is always worth it. If God can use this trip in future ways to share and spread the gospel than this is no sacrifice of time, money, energy, or effort. It is an inexpressible gift to go.
I am consistently reminded as I pray over this trip that it is His kindness drawing me to the wilderness. I know this is just another small season of encountering Christ and coming to know His heart. Though it is the biggest leap of faith yet I believe there are even bigger ones around the bend and this is just preparation.
Though fear has been a looming part of the past 8 months I have seen Him be a fortress in ways I have yet to even understand. He has shown me how to cling to Him in joy, in sickness, in confusion, in hope and that in this life it is a grace to cling to Him in a world that thinks it has everything it needs. The reality is you have been created to not only know Christ but NEED Him. Life carries a richness and depth when you realize every moment was paid for on the cross. Everything is tied to Him.
Three years ago I walked around with death in my heart, hopeless, and searching for something, someone to fill me up. Then I came to know and encounter a Beautiful King. Jesus broke through cement walls of darkness and tore the veil of darkness over my heart. This has radically changed my life and I know it will change others' lives. Heck, it IS changing lives right now!!! The cross is meant to impact every facet of life and that is literally my deepest prayer for this world and those I love.
Though I feel far from completely ready for this trip, I know I am right where i am supposed to be. I trust and believe that. I know God has equipped me day by day for every step of the journey ahead in His wisdom. He has blessed and encouraged me through the prayers of friends, support of family, and through His Word & just time spent with Him these past 8 months. My only prayer is that I go into this trip with open hands and an open and humble heart to receive whatever He has for me. I know that He will use this trip for His glory and that's all i really need in this moment to take the next step out the door as it officially begins.
So here we go, Wyoming.
Ready or not.
"Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her.."
[Hosea 2:14]
