All alone

"Why are you looking for love, why are you still searching as if I'm not enough. To where will you go child, tell me where will you run, to where will you run?..."


Sometimes it can hit you.


That feeling that you are really alone in the world.
That at the end of the day it's just you. Nobody else.


Nobody else with you every single second of every single day, guiding you on, listening to your heart, completely present with you in every moment...except you.


You are the one at the end of the day who has to deal with your problems, face your fears, make difficult choices, say honest words that may end up hurting someone else, push through hopelessness that seems to never end...


The first few days of Hope College this was my reality.
My parents had peaced out back to Chicago and I was alone.  I had been texting one of my favorite friends from Kanakuk, Grace, and she knew how I was feeling. She sent me a verse saying a favorite verse of hers:


Isaiah 41:10
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."


This verse quickly became my source of strength those first lonely days when the world kept spinning on and I felt stuck up against a wall waiting for someone to come and take me in. Since then, everything has changed but those feelings still return.
There have been a couple times recently where I will be surrounded my a crowd of people, yet I feel completely alone.
I feel as though people don't really get me sometimes...
I have this dream burning inside of me for people to know Christ and that is my desire every single day.  God has given me the freedom to shine the passion and to live it out but it is a much tougher road than I imagined...


I've faced tension in friendships, family relationships, and in other beginning relationships...and it is not easy.  


People get disappointed, feelings get hurt, people are unavailable, people ignore you for no reason, some want too much of you that you simply can't give, people make clear cut exits out of your life and turn your world over in a second...


Certain people in my life haven't agreed with how I want to live an authentic life for Christ and living with this knowledge hurts me deeply and the relationship I have with them.


I have seen first hand how human relationships may prosper for a time but they are not guaranteed to bring us the happiness and fulfillment we search for.  We mustn't let our hearts be fixed on acceptance of other people in our lives when God is the one we should be living to serve and love with all of our hearts.  


We so often stumble in the dark searching for love and to be embraced by boyfriends, girl friends, friends at school, and our families.  None of these things are inherently bad, but when we place our identity, self-worth, and happiness in them, we may end up more shattered than fulfilled.  The freedom God gives us daily is the biggest blessing of all and trusting Him to be the One we partner with is the decision we as Christians have to make...


Many times I have felt alone as life becomes a blur sometimes with the mountain of school work to do, endless lists of nothings to accomplish, and days to speed through...and I forget we have this freedom.


Freedom to expand my faith, the freedom to choose the relationships I want to invest in, the freedom to take the classes I want to, and most importantly, the freedom of how to live my life.


There is nobody here shoving rules down my throat, taking my wrist and dragging me along a road I don't want to travel.  It is up to me to make the decision every single morning to wake up, get dressed, and go to class.  


But beyond this there are those harder decisions...
The ones you want so much for others to make for you because your heart is in turmoil and you don't know where to turn.  This is where your gut reaction is to lean on your own understanding and exactly when God desires us to lean into Him, but we can be too blind to realize it.


I have come to see that although there are those times when we are faced with hard decisions and feel all alone, God is waiting to take your hand and lead us in His ways if you are willing to turn your eyes to Him.  
You will be disappointed time and time again if you are letting your faith rest solely in this world because God is the only One who will never let you fall even when the darkness is looming.  


The nights will come.
I guarantee you that.  There will be those times when you are conflicted and are looking in every direction.  The simple answer to this is to look to Jesus.  He alone is our source of hope and direction when we are feeling lost and broken.  Jesus uses our hard decisions so that we may learn to fix our eyes on His kingdom alone and for us to see that closed doors are simply a moment away from other open doors if we follow His will.


God, show us that You are by our side every single step of this path we walk for You.  Let us not be discouraged by those who question our passion and desire to live for You.  You are so worth the struggle and tension we face for You are the God of our salvation.  When others doubt our choices and why we are following You, let us push aside every opinion of the world to shine on top of the hill with the brightest light we can muster.   Make your presence known to us in the darkness and guide us in Your ways alone because life was never made to be walked out all alone.  


Let us pray for and wait patiently for those in our lives to inspire us to be more like You, but also to never forget that we must also lead authentic, intentional lives to motivate and inspire our friends, families, and strangers.  
Jesus, remind us to lay our pride down to love like You have loved. In Your name, Amen. 

"I know the journey seems so long You feel you're walking on your own But there has never been a step
Where you've walked out all alone. Troubled soul don't lose your heart Cause joy and peace he brings And the beauty that's in store Outweighs the hurt of life's sting..."
-Jeremy Camp