You deserve more.

I am so sorry.
God, this is my apology directed to You.


I have so many areas of my life I need to fix yet I continue to push them to the side.  

• A broken relationship that I have become so frustrated and tired of that I desert it in hopes of the gap to be healed on its own.  
• My eyes so blindly fixated on materialistic things of the world that glitter and sparkle that I lose track of living simplistically.  
• The endless excuses I sputter off when God puts people in my path who need to be shown God's healing grace and guidance. 
• Getting too busy to pray for my loved ones..saying "I'll pray for you" and not following through.
• A frustrated and complaining heart that never ceases when day to day challenges arise.
• The reappearing issues of self-worth, body-image, and comparisons which leave me dizzy, confused, and frustrated when I can't change and modify how I look.
• A draining fear inside of me that I will end up alone...that I won't meet a man who is centered on Christ and that will love me for the rest of my life, inspiring me to live fully and carry out the desire I have always had to change this world.

You are so much more than what I make of You God and what I claim to be so firmly rooted in.

You go beyond wise words, half-hearted prayers, a set of rules to follow, being a role model.    

You are Jesus Christ, the King of this world, Ruler over my being, where the eternal and everlasting hope of this world and my life rests forevermore.

You deserve so much more than what my life is reflecting.  

In the past month, I have felt God push me in the direction of social work.  I had initially been ecstatic about the possibility to help people work through problems because I had felt that was Jesus' purpose for my life in my senior year as I had helped push many of my friends through some rough waters by the grace of God.  I fell away from the idea when family members of mine shut down the idea, saying there was no money to be had and seemingly giving me the red light.  Ignoring God, I chose to believe the lies.  I began to believe that I needed a career with more money, something more 'honorable' than social work. Moving on, I explored other potential possibilities but nothing seemed to stick.  

As of right now, I am not sure if being a social worker is God's calling for my life even though I have felt very drawn to it in the past and very recently.  The thing that I have realized above all is that if it is, and God shows me that is how He wants me to serve, I will do it.  All money aside, I will be a social worker and shine hope and understanding into the hearts of God's children who need it.  

You deserve more of my love,

my hope, 

my devotion, 

my service, 

my heart.

Yes, I do devotions. 

I call my mom every few days. I am a good girl.  I read the Bible. I go to chapel three times a week and church on most Sundays. I am a decent friend. I don't really swear. I am not a fan of gossip.  I try not to lie.  But does this make me a true searching and serious Christ follower?  Where is the point where I should be satisfied with where I'm at spiritually?

You deserve to be the God I furiously seek, the One I desperately search for to illuminate my steps as I venture through the thorns.  You should be the One I run to when the rain blurs my vision and stings my eyes.  Your love needs to be the reason I carry on and the reason I surrender to living Christ's plan instead of my own.

You are the sweetest song, the melodious sonnet to my fragmented heart.
You are the healing waters that rush over my scars and make me clean.
You are the beautiful friend who clothes me in honest words.

I have realized there is no way around being a servant to God, either you are or you aren't. 

You believe that Jesus is real or you don't.

You believe that Jesus will provide or you don't.

No in between, no gray areas.

Black and white, light and darkness.

All in for God or not at all.

"Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important."
C. S. Lewis

These realizations I had on Friday from 11pm -1 am were thanks to 33 wonderful blog posts that I spent my night reading and reflecting on.  Through her writing, a new friend of mine has reminded me of so many things God has been trying to show me for quite some time.  Reading her wise words was a reminder of who God is and how much more He deserves of my heart daily.  It is inspiration to be the light I know that I have the power to be if I allow Christ to transform me.  Bailey, thank you so much for your unbelievable passion for life, it has inspired me to live like Christ and also much more than that.  Your writing has reminded me that God's passionate and searching love runs deeply inside each of us, that spiritual growth is renewed when we seek Him with our whole hearts and that living in love with Him the way He intended us to in reckless abandon with our arms in the air dancing like nobody is watching is the only way to truly live :)

	Make me to know thy ways, O Lord; teach me thy paths.
	Lead me in thy truth, and teach me, for thou art the God of my salvation; for thee I wait all the day long. -Psalm 25:4