As most of you know this summer going on the 40/40 was quite a leap of faith...actually it was a leap across a giant cliff with jagged rocks and rushing water beneath...needless to say a bit out of my comfort zone and then some.
From the very beginning of the trip, the Lord was speaking to me gently about grace. I had known going in to this that identity was going to be a huge aspect of the trip but to be honest, I thought I knew enough about identity to be just fine. And I think this was the very issue, I knew enough about identity to scrape by but Jesus does not want His children to scrape by. We are called to live out of a place of fullness, abundance, and freedom in Him.
From the day I knew that I was supposed to go on this trip last year in November, the tears had begun. I laugh now thinking of the night I told my story to my 40/40 team of the day I knew God wanted me on this trip...I was in the laundry room of a 15 girl cottage leaning up against the dryer and tears fell and the words spilled out into the silence: "Oh crap....God is calling me on the 40/40." Despite my resistance and doubts and protests I managed, it is so clear now that Jesus had other plans.
From day 1 of this trip I hard core struggled in more ways than I can explain...I had issues with just about everything in the wilderness from breathing while hiking, to carrying the 60 pound pack, to packing my bag everyday, to climbing during the rock climbing section, to cooking on the portable stove, and waking up anytime before 7 AM (so almost everyday haha). I remember looking up to the sky one day and asking God, "Did You just bring me here to struggle? To embarrass me? Because that is what this feels like to me."
I think this team of 11 people saw me cry and breakdown probably more than anyone has in my entire life. That scared me. Now it just makes me laugh!!
I remember various moments over the course where these truths would come to mind and I would immediately shove them down. However, the wilderness is an interesting place...things don't stay buried there. The wilderness is the place all throughout Scripture where see the Lord draw people away from the distractions, the voices, the idols, for His voice to draw forth truth out from beneath the rubble of peoples' stubborn hearts. He did this many characters in the Bible...with Elijah, with John the Baptist, and with Jesus, speaking affection, affirmation, and identity over Him before He begins His public ministry. Honestly, after this trip I am beginning to see that sometimes He has to draw you away and bring you to a place where you have no choice but to acknowledge your need before Him.
Ever since I began walking with Jesus, I have struggled to understand grace. I have had no problem believing in grace for others but the times I truly looked inward in times of trial revealed I did not believe it for myself. My summer working as the Women's Team Counselor discipling other counselors was the first season I found myself on my knees crying out for a revelation of His grace. Little did I know the following summer would be the answer that unlocked a deeper understanding of God's grace and a desire for so much more of this Jesus.
As our instructors often said, this group of people on this team had been called together "for such a time as this". We are living in an age of self-sufficiency, darkness seems to be around every corner, people don't seem to care anymore for this God, and hearts are desperately crying out for hope. I have zero doubts in my mind that Jesus Himself called every single person from all across the US to make up this team from Colorado, to Ohio, to Michigan, to New Jersey. I can say firsthand that these are some of the most selfless and hilariously awesome people I have met. We were all quite different...okay radically different.. but in the midst of it all Jesus knit together a beautifully diverse family that sharpened, encouraged, and uplifted in times of fear, weakness, and healing. Some of my favorite moments of this trip were in the little ways I saw others exude deep humility, courage, and sacrifice to see others blessed.
A friend, Anna, on the trip gave her life to Christ on the trip after searching her whole life for meaning. My other friend, Toni, got baptized on the last day on the last hike out of the wilderness in one of my favorite moments as Jesus brought so much genuine freedom. Another friend, Grass, wrote poetry literally straight from Jesus that blew everyone away every time it was read. My instructors never ceased to sing hilarious songs when any of our items were lost and found by them (can you guess I was the first to have this happen on a glacier no less..) :). Other friends, Chuck and Jon, never ceased to scrape every pot within a mile radius..but it's fine considering the 2 boys on the team had to stick together.
The trials and struggles I faced on this trip with this team revealed a few lies I hadn't realized were engrained deep down. One of those was that I could earn God's love. Looking at my "performance" in the wilderness made me see that if I actually believed love was based solely on performance then I wouldn't believe in God's love. I wouldn't measure up if that was true.
This is the complete opposite of the gospel.
The gospel is the free gift of Christ given to people separated by sin's power. We are completely dead in our sin and it is solely the grace and mercy of God that literally resurrects us from the grave and gives us new life. This revelation is one that has been breaking chains in my life for years but at this point in time, a fresh perspective on the gospel is what my heart hungered for. What a freeing revelation to realize I can't earn it, don't have to, and never will!!! Jesus has lived the perfect life you and I could never live, fulfilling the law perfectly for us. Our job is to trust in the finished work of the cross, submit to it, and live lives surrendered to Him. Surrender is something that is freeing not constrictive or limiting in any sense---this is living as the freed children of the living God!
On July 31st of the Oswald Chambers devotional at the top is written, "Til you are entirely His" with this from James 1:4:
"Let your endurance be a finished product, so that you may be finished and complete, with never a defect."
I can honestly say the wilderness tested me for all I had. It took every mental, physical, and emotional power to remain on the course and even then it was the power and joy of His Spirit that ultimately sustained me through some of the fiery trials i faced on this course. In the end I can turn my eyes to Him and say He is so unbelievably faithful.
He is faithful to complete what He begins.
He is faithful to lavish love upon hungry hearts.
He is faithful to reveal the power of the gospel in the cross of Christ.
He is faithful to be the Father who provides daily bread that stills our hearts from anxiety to a place of rest in the gospel.
He is faithful to call us to Himself every single day, to call us from the idols that steal our gaze, and to draw us before Him, the all satisfying King and desire of our hearts.
He is faithful to remind us as my instructor, Becca, said: "You are a son or daughter before you are soldier"
Though this was easily the hardest and most trying experience of my life thus far, I can say with confidence Jesus is always worth it. He was only equipping me in the wilderness for the spiritual wilderness you and I navigate every day. Lies of the enemy take root first in our mind and it is only in taking every thought captive to Him that our mind can be renewed and our lives can be living examples of the truth. Learning daily dependence on His Spirit out there is more relevant now in my life than it has ever been before.
It is true that amidst the darkness of the times we are in, the joy of the Lord is our strength. Though the world can seem like a lost cause at times, we must turn our eyes to the One who is Living Hope, who day by day is changing the world and restoring through you and me. The fire and sustaining power of the Spirit is the only way each of us can keep our lamps burning as we seek to walk faithfully through this life. We must choose to cry out in desperation for the Bread of Life and Living Water that He is. For the world to see and know we must live lives satisfied in the King.
The revelation of God's grace at this point in time has completely changed my life and revealed my desire to continue living in light of it. I am realizing Jesus is much more concerned with the journey and process than He is with "destinations". Our final and ultimate destination is heaven and only by going through the wilderness, the fire, the trials, and the valleys in this life can we live lives worthy of the calling we have received in Him.
I am coming to see and realize faith is more about endurance than it is about a sprint. Jesus is looking for the faithful who will go with Him, who will trust Him to be all He says He is, and to live lives compelled by love.
Fear may always linger or loom ahead of you but is how you choose to face them and walk on in spite of them that matters. That is walking by faith and not by sight.
Fear may always linger or loom ahead of you but is how you choose to face them and walk on in spite of them that matters. That is walking by faith and not by sight.
In a verse I clung to the night before the wilderness:
"This I know that God is for me." Psalm 56:8
You have a God in heaven who is crazy about you, whose grip of love reaches beyond the grave. Whatever you are walking through, God is for you and not against you.
As Amanda Cook sings, "You've been faithful to me. With each passing day I know it it's true.."
(Asah Photography- photo credit: Brooke Jeeries)
Sometimes you won't understand the route Jesus is taking you on. Hang on in faith. The dawning of clarity and hope is on the way. His ways and His wisdom are higher than our own.
Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom.
(Asah Photography- photo credit: Brooke Jeeries)
PS-
I would highly recommend SROM courses to anyone looking for a challenge or an identity wake-up call :) Here is the site for more information: https://srom.org/courses/go/40-40/. Or message me if you are interested and want to know anything about the trip!
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