Faint lights

"Our hearts are all barricaded and the poisons will decorate it. I want to know love, I want to be where you are ..."

I was searching for You all along.

My hands clenched tighter as I prepared myself to face the world alone.
The light in my eyes flickered, constantly searching for a light strong enough to hold my gaze.
My arms were outstretched, looking for someone strong enough to hold me up.
Broken confidence left me shaking with fear.
My heart cried out for the hole to be filled,
for the emptiness to finally be brought to an end.


And passing through, I missed You.
So blinded by Your light, I was unaware.
Motionless steps, words emptied of truth, unsuccessful striving.
I chose the faint lights Lord, for they were all that I knew.

Skimming the surface, 

I drowned out your melodious song with the noise of my own.

Driving through,
I passed the signs hidden beneath the obvious.
I moved through creation never stopping to question the Creator.

I trailed after the world.

Buying into the idea that I wanted to fit into this brokenness, 

the jagged edges tore.

So desperately wanting a place to belong, 

I smoothed my wrinkles and cracks to appear worthy.

Continuously striving, I never found rest until You.

Blasting the dim lights off my path, You came.
Your rays shone into my weary heart and I arose to strength.
A shield wound its way around my heart,
defense from the world yet a door open for Your majesty to enter.


Distant lights are but a memory,
for the true Light of my heart has broken through.
Destroying strongholds,
cradling a heavy heart,
restoring a center of peace tossed to the wind,
solidifying the honor I stand for,
You hold me now and forevermore.


Light leads me.
Love guides me.
Angels protects me.
You, Lord, heal me.


Driven by a love for the Light,
my mission is set:
To bring Your brilliance to life in this heart tonight,
to stand abandoned to the Light who calls me by name,
to proclaim the Light who has stolen my heart is my only desire.


Faint lights are shut up in darkness, 
You are the only Light burning brighter.


[ At the same time, it is a new commandment that I am writing to you, 
     which is true in him and in you, 
because the darkness is passing away 
            and the true light is already shining]
                              - 1 John 2:8

                                                                 




"Cause all the faint lights, they left me stranded and lost. Reaching through empty pockets trying to pay my cost, I put up a fight but now it's taking it's toll. I'm waiting for something to set fire, wake up my soul.." -Steve Moakler

Vision

Closing my eyes, I get chills in my bones.


Clasping a hand to my heart, 
I can feel my heart beating towards true purpose (Matthew 28:19)
Lifting my hands in praise, 
I am astounded at the work of Your hands (Habakkuk 1:5)
Turning my eyes to the sky, 
I envision God's Kingdom rising up amidst this land (Luke 17:21)


You have given me a vision.


You have given me the eyes to see people through a different lens, for their immense potential in Christ.
You have given me experiences that reaffirm my trust in Your will will above my own.
You have blessed me with the sharp confidence to enact change.
You have gently led me to the path of life that trails into Heaven above.


You have awakened the unspeakable fire deep in my soul to set fire to the world around me.  This passion cannot be kept within the confines of the ordinary but will only be released by setting this dream to fly free and spark a change in the air.  Your glory lies quietly beneath the surface of the everyday details and I choose to unearth it Lord. I choose to draw this beauty out of my relationships, out of Your word, out of each and every day of my life.


I stand in awe of You.
The God who appoints someone as broken as myself to carry Your name, to bring forth Your glory with my small story. I whisper Your praise quietly on my lips and proclaim it on the highest of hills, knowing You hear every word of praise just the same.  My heart smiles as I look at the ways I have doubted You. The times I have secretly pushed my will and doubted that Your plan is so much better than my own.  The times that I secretly mourn over the slammed doors that have only brought me deeper understanding of who You are and How unending Your love is for me. And the times when I have been slow to release someone from my life for You to bring someone or something so much more. 


Lord, You always know.  Your ways, God, are always higher.
Even when I don't understand, I will choose to place my trust in You.
Even when I don't get what the world says will fulfill me right now, I know that true joy comes from looking forward at the unbreakable hope of a tomorrow in Your arms.
I know that my days are nothing if not drawing near to You and bringing others closer to Your heart.  Even when my heart is tricked into believing You are not enough, I will trust You are using my life to bring glory to Your kingdom with every day I place my heart within Your hands.


Jesus, I choose You.
I choose a life driven by the vision of the King who has brought me to walk a path of true beauty.  To accomplish this short stretch of life You are laying before me, I will live in love with who You are, falling deeper into the plan You illuminate with every passing day. For you are worth every hardship, every moment, every challenge or roadblock, every breath I have to give. 


Never ceasing to stop singing the songs You have planted in my soul, Lord, 
I will bring this vision here and now with my story.  


 ^"I glorified you on earth, 
having accomplished the work that you gave me to do.  
And now, Father, glorify me in your own presence 
with the glory that I had with you before the world existed." 
-John 17:4-5

One.

On a beautiful day in Michigan, my eyes are lit by this sunlight of His warming my heart.  

But lowering my eyes to the pavement, I find what pains my heart as well.  The cracks, the tears, the splits in the pavement that quietly remain even on beautiful days.

Searching my memory, I see people blindly walking through the doors of this earth, smiling and laughing, blind to the One reigning and shining over them in glory. People with hearts set on the broken things of this world, content with the emptiness of desire, people untouched by God's restoration and healing with gates closed and locked to Him but swinging open to take the arrows of this world without a second thought.  Silently they pass through our lives...and we let them.  

Looking heavenward once again, I see a sky full of beauty and Light waiting to be exposed.  I see a world high above our own fixed in the sky with a God who reigns on high, waiting for those who love Him to bring Him down, for them to reach up and bring His grace breaking through the barriers of this world...yet we hesitate.  

We wait for tomorrow to become the person we desire to be instead of making the change today. We leave it to other people to reach out, to step up, to lead, to take risks. We dwell not in the present but with hearts set on a future we have limited control over and we miss out.  We continue walking through with sights set on our own path, blind to the fact that our stories are all being woven into one of greater Love and Glory, purposefully intersecting with these certain people around us so that we may be what God uses to connect them to Jesus.

Yet fear, self-doubt, and beaten down courage stand in our path and taunt us.

Psalm 143:3 reminds us that the Enemy is also pursuing us along with Christ and that his mission is to stamp out our faith in Christ, pushing our life of faith to be buried.  Doubt is a key way that we allow our hearts for God's people to lie dormant. We think to ourselves, "I can't possibly make a change in that person's life. I am only one person in this world." 

My challenge to you is to think again.

With the acceptance of Jesus into your heart, your forever will be changed. Both in the days that you walk this earth and in the life to come.  Shattering chains, splitting hearts of solid stone, unveiling the King's glory in our hearts, coming to earth was one single person who changed the game for every single one of us who did not deserve any part in His story and that person is Jesus Christ.

As a follower of Christ, you are called to be one who will have Kingdom impact.   Sitting wherever you are, at home, on your campus, at your desk, you have what it takes.  Not because of who you are but because of who Christ is. You have the Spirit to guide and lead you into the places where you will need His courage.  You have been equipped with the unending passionate love of God not simply for you but because He needs you to spread it. You are called to bring forth life in the lives of those around you, bearing witness to the Light who has brought you out of darkness. 

It is time to take hold of the life God has been calling you to and to accept the invitation to join His team.  You could be the one God uses to do amazing things, the one rising up in strength and courage to be the reflection of Christ that this world desperately needs to see, someone who steps aside and decreases so that the true Light may explode and spark a flame that ignites.

One man laid down His life, His everything so every one of us may truly live.

The life and unfailing promise He blesses us with should inspire us to live our lives passionately pursuing opportunities to be representations of the One who saved us and deserves all we have to offer in this life. 

"Be the one who truly follows Jesus, then trust God to unleash His loving power through you." -Ken Cochrum  "Campus Crusade for Christ"

Contrast

Life is contrast.

Fixating on the unending asphalt in front of you, your eyes grow weary and your heart mixes with heaviness in the pit of your soul.

Turning your eyes upward clouds hang in the balance, gracefully appointed a spot in the bluest of skies calling you to lift your heart in hope.

Glancing in the mirror, your eyes are drawn to the cracks, the brokenness, the flaws, the misgivings, and they seem unending.

With a second look, His crown of creation stares back. Fearfully and wonderfully made for a God-scripted purpose in this world, your heart beats with conviction for a God who inhabits your soul.

Other people’s thoughts press your faith into the dust, the moments your doubts fall like tears and you come to taste the depths of the valley.

Hearts cry out in praise for the King who infuses the spirit of His beauty into us as hands lift in surrender to the One who carries us home.

Beautiful is the One whose cross ignites a spark on the horizon.  

Beautiful is the One who is Light amidst the darkness, pushing our hearts to embrace the beauty found within the contrast of this life.

Thank You.

Beauty

I find some of the color draining.


The color of vibrancy, the color of beauty, the color of Majesty.


Glancing behind and forward, I find eyes growing accustomed to dimness. 
A heart sensitive to the winds of this life knocking me as I walk with a resolve to seek You.  
A spirit growing weary of constantly waiting.  


Drawn to narrowly perceive my life through the eyes of this world, I feel a grip on this color slipping from my hands.  Simple words, simple statements, simple things crossing my path, and it continues to loosen.  They come and snatch color from my sky. 


I need You to be my shield God. To surround my heart and to protect me from things of this world because they unearth past fears, stir me to doubt, and move me from a place of confidence in You to a small corner of doubt. 


Jesus, You speak Life into my veins. 
You plant beauty with purpose on a path that unfolds to lead me deeper into Your heart.  With a second glance at my story, Your color fills my eyes with wonder at the work of Your hands.  Carefully orchestrated missteps and diversions point me into the beauty of Your plan for my life lying within Your story.


Jesus, maker of Beauty, remind my heart. 
Chase my heart down and bind it to Thee. May the Spirit convict me of my worth Lord and Your divine purpose for me in these 4 short years of college. Overwhelm my vision with Your beauty every single day of this short life.  


Be my Shepherd to cut a path through the dimness of my own making to discover the fullness of Light seeking to lead me forward in peace.  

"Like the appearance of the bow that is in the cloud on the day of rain, so was the appearance of the brightness all around.  

Such was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the Lord. And when I saw it, I fell on my face, and I heard the voice of one speaking." -Ezekiel 1:28

Psalm 143: A Lifted Soul

To lift our souls, our hearts, our lives to Him is what He desires.  We find restoration in Christ through the honesty of our hearts and this poem explores the truth of Psalm 143. May God use this to inspire you to live in light of His truth.

An emptied glass, clear and transparent

A colorless soul drained of a will to fight

Desperately I search, 

Breathless I run.

Stretching before me a horizon in reverse,

A sun retreating into the distance.

Desperation locks my chains, 

Fear blackens my hope,

A heart once pulsing for Life slows to match the pace of the flesh.

Stretching my hands into the sky,

Reaching for a throne,

My hands grasp a touch of grace, 

As sparkling light breaks through the night.

A melodious choir of hope illuminates the air,

Lightening my soul to fly.

The chains of old have been broken

A dashed heart's memory brought into focus,

The glorious weaving of Christ in my bones,

My eyes flash with the beauty of yesterdays,

A beckoning dawn of hope.

Protection and grace You bestow,

Standing guard around my soul,

Shielding my heart in purity,

Outstretched claws of black broken by a hand of might.

Reaching within, my soul I lift surely to You,

My spirit to fall into step with Yours.

Clinging to a cross on a hill,

Perfect and pure against the blackness of night.

Moving deeper into this heart of His,

Hope Himself rests quietly in the unseen.

Tangled visions to clarity, 

Faint lights to brilliance, 

Cries to the silence of awe,

Quieted by a love turning my soul to sing.

Filled to pour out treasures,

To shout of Love,

To cry in delight,

To blindly run after Your will,

Your fountain ever flowing.

The sun rises on new eyes,

Shining to brighten the steps ahead I will trust that

on level ground I am led through the dryness of dark.

To thirst is my reality,

For it is the Living Blood I seek.

------

[Psalm 143]

"For the enemy has pursued my soul; he has crushed my life into the ground...I remember the days of old; I meditate on all that you have done...I stretch out my hands to you; my soul thirsts for you like a parched land...Let me hear in the morning of your steadfast love, for in you I trust.  Make me know the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul..." 

"If my heart is overwhelmed and I cannot hear Your voice

                      I hold on to what is true though I cannot see.  

If the storms of life they come and the road ahead gets steep, 

        I will lift these hands in faith, I will believe. 

             I'll remind myself of all that You've done and 

  the life I have because of Your son..." 

-Kari Jobe

Find you on my knees

I think we like to lie to ourselves.  

We lie to ourselves about the state of our hearts, how deeply we need God. 

In the past, standing on my own two feet to take on the world was the way I attempted to conquer my life.  But then, as the storms always come, I felt the pressure.  I felt the wind smacking at my sails and I soon found myself on my knees. 

I was the one in high school who always played it like I had my life together.

I snipped the loose ends around my heart, brushed off the dust that I felt tarnished my image.  I wanted people to accept me.

Zeroing in on beauty, body-image, finding a boy, and my grades, I thought I would find myself.  On the outside many wouldn't have guessed this to be true but the walls I built up were enough to distract from the truth.  Shutting up the inner voice in my soul that pushed me to honesty, I chased the endless pursuits of those around me and became oblivious to the fact that God's path for me lied outside of the boundaries of myself.  

I built upon a foundation of lies, allowing my misguided perceptions to guide my heart into more and more pain, instead of into the healing light of Christ.  I began to believe that I didn't deserve love from anyone.  Family, friends, a guy, even God.  How could someone love me when I felt that broken? 

How could I expose this brokenness to anybody when people were expecting me to have this strong faith in God?

I ran away.  I ran as far as possible from the truth in my heart crying out even when I knew deep down God had wanted me turn to Him. 

Psalm 51:17 says, "The sacrifices of God are a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise." 

I realized that in hiding my hurt, my weakness, and my pain I wasn't allowing myself to love God fully.  I had hid from God, blind to the fact He simply wanted me to lift my face to Him.  I soon found myself face to face with what I been avoiding for months.  The complete and utter lack of confidence in myself brought me to reality.  It snapped my sight into focus onto God who I had lost sight of.

"Our biggest fear is that others see us the way we see ourselves," the speaker said.  I believed in my heart of hearts that those around me had cast me in the most negative of lights when in reality, I had blown my human flaws up to such a point that it was all that I saw. 

God taught me something at this retreat.

We find Christ on our knees.  Not always on the mountaintops, the amazing highs, but in the crashing lows of this life when we come to the end of ourselves. When we realize that God is our rock and refuge, the only One with the power to change our hearts, to restore us to the joy of salvation.  

Today, I wear that church retreat bracelet as a reminder of the day I got honest. 

Splitting apart, cracked, faded from orange to white, flawed, and yet absolutely perfect, it is wrapped around my wrist.  A reminder I cannot do this life alone without Him leading me forward because my strength fails. 

To be a person of strength means vulnerability. 

It means exposing our hearts and admitting our brokenness to Him so that one day people may see the power of Christ to heal and restore.  You can show people that the cross is a place for the broken and lost, not the perfect and put together.  Chapel is not a place for the strongest of Christians and the holiest of holy but for every single one of God's children.  God's gift is for every single person in this life and by our power alone, we do not deserve the gift. Ephesians 2:8-9 says, "For by grace you have been saved through faith.  And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one can boast." 

Lord, I cannot boast in anything but Your unfailing love. We find You on our knees.  Not one person who resides in this world is above coming to You, the only One who holds our lives in the palm of Your hand.  We are Yours and may we remind each other that in our weakness Your power is made perfect.  

"...I will find you in the place I'm in, find you when I'm at my end, Find you when there's nothing left of me to offer you except for brokenness. You lift me up, you'll never leave me thirsty, When I am weak, when I am lost and searching
I'll find you on my knees." -Kari Jobe