A Spirit of Patience

I'll confess. 


I have a spirit of fear and of doubt.


Though faith is the solid rock of my life, I step off of that onto shaky ground where I find myself relying on my power alone to balance instead of Christ.
With a glance away from the God I love that leads my life, I falter.
I fall victim to the doubts that dance across my path.
The doubts that take my heart captive and blur the path God puts beneath my feet.


I think to myself:
Wouldn't it just be easier to be like everyone else...to receive "blessings" quickly and settle? 
Not to wait your entire life and possibly pass up perfectly good options because you're holding out for the best? The best husband, the best job, the best life..?


And then...I remember.


Sitting in the Pine Grove today, I remember all that Jesus has been doing in the past six months in my life and I pause.
The people, the experiences, the healing...how drastically my life has been changed through His Divine entrance in my life, the unbelievable transformation of my heart in Him.


Bestowing on me the privilege to serve Him with this one and only heart, Jesus has provided.
Providing me with people in need of someone to bring them to healing in His arms and finding such deep fulfillment in this.
Setting certain people in my path who reflect God and make me want to strive for better, to not settle.


I came into Hope College expecting for things to change...and they have, just not in the way I expected them to.
I have found myself renewed by the gift of His presence, trusting His will above my own, and finding my confidence in the beauty of His love, not in a guy or physical appearance.  My identity is becoming firmly rooted in the Creator and His power in me, not my strength to be the perfect girl.


His love is steadily burning away the fears of inadequacy I held so tightly to all of my life as he builds a spirit of patience and love.


I have seen glimpses of what God has in store for me if I wait, if I continue loving God with my whole heart and nothing less...God has shown me not to settle for less in this life because I know I deserve more
Here at Hope, Jesus has shown me glimpses of a beautiful love in store for me with a man He has written on my heart since the day I was born and I trust in that, whether I find it here or someday in my future. My trust is found in Him.


"I'll be the protector of your heart. 
The front lines of your guardian angels 
We will build our love upon a rock 
We'll not fear the trust in times of danger. 
You my love can be my great companion 
Through the storms our love will never run 
Shine like the morning, 
Unveil a story 
Something so much bigger than us "-Steve Moakler


To live into the story God writes with the man or woman meant for only you, who truly loves you for who Christ has made you to be is what I want.  I know beyond a doubt that this is what God desires for you too.


 Surrender your life to His will and He will begin chipping away at a spirit of impatience to replace it with a spirit of honest truth ready to shape you.  In waiting on Him and His plan you will find Grace waiting to wrap His arms around you and quiet you with His love.  He will whisper of the great wonders in store for you if you continue seeking, continue loving, continue serving.


You're single...so what? God can use this time in your life to teach and empower others. Your love is out there waiting for you...and potentially feeling the same way! Don't let this world tell you there is something wrong with you if you aren't "in a relationship" on Facebook...because *excuse my language* that's a bunch of crap.


This year, the most beautiful thing I have discovered thus far is the gift of giving to others.
Jesus has revealed to me the fulfillment of living for the Kingdom every single day and the unspeakable joy of pouring into others.  Sometimes I literally can't stop smiling because I can see Christ moving in others and even in myself to come to the needs of others.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves." -Phillipians 2:2 If I was living by the standards of the world, being alone should and would bother me. I should be completely dissatisfied with walking this time alone while the majority of the people around me walk in twos...but then I realized something.

As Christians, we are not of this world, nor are we called to blindly follow lies.  I am a child of God, set aside to live for Jesus Christ and chosen to aid in mending a hurting world in need of the breath of God in so many ways.  If God's will for my life is to help those around me as I live here at Hope, then that is His will! Why would I fight that?
  Using my time here for God is something I will never regret in the future looking back.  It is an investment in eternity and the story of my life that will be presented to Him after I take my final breath and that is fulfillment worth pursuing at this point in my life.

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7


He gives us truth, wisdom, patience and the fire to spread the light even in periods of waiting. Never forget that.


Lord, I pray you would give us spirits of hope and of love towards Your beautiful name.  When our hearts condemn us Lord, I pray you would remind us You are greater than our hearts (1 John 3:19-20).  Your power for healing, restoration, and a new vision for this life is unfathomable and I lift my hands in praise to You.  Every single day that I am alive I can see with clarity Your hand at work in people and through your servants.  Remind us that in waiting, we have a spirit of patience for Your glorious plan for each one of our lives.  Take away worldly fears and heartache when we look to the things that others may possess because one day we will understand.  We will see how a spirit of patience produces fruitfulness in our stories.  We will see how our time serving Jesus here at Hope or wherever your followers are is further deepening the roots of grace on this campus and everywhere Your spirit touches. Give us hope when we falter and shut our eyes to Your beauty Jesus and remind us of the world we are fighting to transform for You Lord. In Your name, Amen.

Trusting Where You Are

I shut my eyes. 
The darkness seems to close in again.
I remind myself of the Kingdom I fight for.


All this pain.. I wonder if I'll ever find my way. 
I wonder if my life could really change, at all. 
All this earth.. Could all that is lost ever be found? 
Could a garden come up from this ground, at all?
-"Beautiful Things"


How could it be God? Why must I wait?
Why is it never my time?
Why am I always waiting on my life to "take off"?
How come change has come for everybody else but I'm waiting here...still...by myself?


These are the things that Satan used to wound me and still uses.


 These are what he haunts me with every single time that I take my eyes off of God.  Even if for a moment I glance away, Satan shouts lies at me. 
I have to remember who I live for with every new day and whose will I follow for my life. 


I read this verse this morning and I was struck by truth.


"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." -1 Thessalonians 5:16-18


Where you are right now is God's will for you.
Striving to emulate Christ and to walk in His ways, I am falling into step with Christ.  


There is a reason I have met the friends that I have-to inspire, encourage, and strengthen them in Christ.
There is a reason I was in the classes I was in-to meet the people I did, gain insight into the world, and be inspired to change it.
There is a reason I am not in a relationship with anybody right now because God is showing me that I can use this time to inspire and help others in their struggles.


I am striving to live out the love of Christ in deepening my friendships at Hope and in my life.  I am slowly realizing how Christ is shaping my life to follow Him and His will for me.  And that's greater than anything I could wish for my life right now.


Chapel this morning once again reminded me of who I am and what I have devoted myself to follow for the rest of my days.


I am a follow of Christ, one of many people of God.
We are the people of God.  
We have the privilege of serving Jesus, the beautiful Author of our lives and this world.
We have devoted our lives to following the will of an unseen King who is greater than anything this world could ever offer us.  


More beautiful and full of grace than our minds can possibly fathom, Jesus breathes life into our empty bodies and has given us hope and a future.  Carrying this healing truth we must quiet our restless souls and remember that in following Jesus we are exactly where we need to be if we continue following Him.


"For he has made known to us in all wisdom and insight the mystery of his will, according to his purpose which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fulness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth. In him, according to the purpose of Him who accomplishes all things according to the counsel of his will, we who first hoped in Christ have been destined and appointed to live for the praise of his glory."-Ephesians 1:8-12

  

These are all a part of God's plan for this world and we have a part in His plan and His glorious will.


Disappointments, heartbreaks, lost love, closed doors.
Sitting with a new good friend of mine, I showed her a song entitled "This" by Darius Rucker which covered all of these things.  


"For every stoplight I didn't make
Every chance I did or I didn't take
All the nights I went too far
All the girls that broke my heart
All the doors that I had to close
All the things I knew but I didn't know
Thank God for all I missed
Cause it led me here to
This"


Like this song, we must recognize that all of the mishaps, chaos, heartbreaks, and rejection lead us into our futures where we'll be able to see the reasons.


You'll see why it didn't work out with that boy you were in love with and swore you'd marry when you meet your future husband and see he wasn't the right one for you after all because there was somebody God had written on your heart from the beginning.


You'll see why you got differed from that college to be led to a school you'd sworn off when you meet amazing people with beautiful hearts there to encourage and support you.


You'll see why you were put in certain classes when you meet certain people and gain insight into the brokenness of this world and what you can do to fix it.


You'll see why God allows darkness into your life so that you learn to fix your eyes steadily on Jesus to be the light that guides you away from the darkness.


He is the God who lights our darkness, unveils our eyes to see truth, and has blessed us with a hope worth so much more than this world.  


He is why we wait patiently in hope for our futures and for His coming. 
His perfect will in this world overpowers the doubts, the confusion, and the anxiety we are plagued with. Live to walk alongside Jesus and trusting His will becomes a part of who you and the hope we are filled with.  

Do not lose faith in God because you aren't at a place where you feel you want, need, or deeply desire to be.  He has a reason for you being right where you are and once you accept and embrace that, God can use you in more ways than you know.  All those who wisely choose to hope in Jesus must hold out faith for the richness of life, fulfillment, and joy that comes in serving a King even when you can't understand His plan.

We must learn for Him to have His way in our lives. 

And that is truly God's will...

believing in an unseen plan more beautiful and grand than our imagination can create.

"You never said the road would be easy But You said that You would never leave And You never promised that this life wasn't hard But You promised You'd take care of me So I'll stop searching for the answers I'll stop praying for an escape And I'll trust You God with where I am And believe that You will have Your way Just have Your way, just have Your way" -Britt Nicole ("Have Your Way")

I'll fight for love, for You

Lately, I've been feeling really torn.

The past three months of my life have been amazing.  God has cracked my frozen heart, so deeply focused on my unworthiness that I had been missing out on so much of His plan for me. In seeking Him, I have truly found the treasure of knowing Christ in deeper ways that I didn't know I was capable of.  The past year and a half has been a period of tremendous awakening in my life and I am so thankful for that.

Accepting Christ into my life was the best decision that I have ever made and will ever make.  Knowing Christ has completely changed my perspective on this world, my life, and everything in it...

But along with Christ comes pain.

The pain of not feeling understood, 

not feeling accepted, 

being questioned, 

feeling boxed in by a world that can sometimes seem so pointless,

feeling spotlighted by the world that turns their back on Him and points at you for stepping out.

I have realized that in accepting Jesus into my heart, I have not accepted an easy thing.  Just take a look around and what do you see?  

People that would rather watch "Jersey Shore" than have a deep conversation.  High schools like my own where expectations exist for people in new relationships to have sex within a few weeks.  A place where celebrities in the media are glorified and divorce is almost expected within a few months of marriage.  A country where the cross of Jesus is worn on necklaces but forgotten and pushed aside in their actual lives.

I shake my head sometimes and sadly look around.

Maybe it isn't possible God...so much hurting, so many fallen, where do we even begin?

Where can I even begin Lord?

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart, I have overcome the world." { John 16:33 }

I have accepted the love that challenges me to spread the news of Him no matter what.

No matter what family members say.

No matter what friends say.

No matter what people think of me or say about me.

No matter what the cost to my reputation or image.

No matter how far against the grain of this world I go, Jesus is worth every ounce of who I am and the life that is within me.

Thinking about this, I found a quote that describes it well, only in a different context.

"So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day..."-The Notebook

Noah and Allie are the picture of what so many of us want: somebody who loves us so dearly that they are willing to fight for love, fight for us.

The amazing thing is that God's love for us is so much bigger than any brand of human love.

His furious, deep, passionate, and searching love seeks us in our brokenness, unrelenting and consistently.  God loves us, broken and scarred through our pain.  The thing is His love is not a one-way street.

Is God worth it? Is he worth the effort of loving back?

Is knowing God worth the criticism, the struggles, the jokes, the questions, the challenges that many of us face every single day?  Should I just turn away from His call for me because the going gets tough and people shell me with criticism?

Is Jesus so deeply rooted in my identity that His love is enough to persevere?

In my heart, God is my everything.  If this is true, then I am willing to lay these things down at the throne and take the hits. 

I'm willing to testify for Jesus, showing to this world the most precious gift my heart has or will ever receive.  He deserves to be fought for.

He deserves the highest spot above all things in my life and I am going to continue fighting for that day in and day out.

God is worth it.

He's worth every heartache, every blow, every single tear that falls to the ground.

I have felt so alone in my faith at times and you are NOT alone if you have.

Following Christ means entering through a narrow gate, only to lead to the rich and beautiful expanse of God's kingdom (Matt. 7:13)

The darkness of sin in our world may threaten my heart, but God's love overcomes it no matter how many times it overshadows my faith.

"The light shines in the darkness, but the darkness has not understood it." 

{ John 1:5 }

Are you willing to fight to bring light to this world? To speak the truth no matter how much it stings?

What about to your friends, your family, your boyfriend/girlfriend, your team, your campus?

I am. 

And I'm willing to fight to bring the Kingdom with every last tear and fight that is inside of me.  The people here deserve to know truth, to know God, and they will never know unless we show them.  Every day when challenges arise, remember that Christ has overcome on our behalf.  

1 John 4:19 says, "We love because he first loved us."  I dedicate myself to loving this world with a fire on Christ's behalf because we are the candle flame destined to reignite this world for Christ.  This world will know the goodness of God through the Christ followers who step up and take a stand. We are the light.

I'll fight for love, for You.

In Your name, Amen.

[Jeremiah 20:9] Indeed I cannot

I want to scream on top of a mountain!!
I want to run up to the top of that hill and tell everyone what they're missing out on!!
I want to sit down with every single person and tell them how much they are loved!


Sound extreme? Yeah, I thought so. 




There were times where I was confused.
Times where I was jealous.
Times where I couldn't understand.
Times where I would laugh.


This is how I felt looking at people who had a very visible and deep passion for God.  Those Christians so overflowing with joy that I couldn't help wondering what was moving them to act in such a way.


I remember the first time I saw someone worshiping and I went to school next day to recount the story to my lunch table of friends.  I laughed along with them as we talked about how "weird" and "cultish" it was.


I remember the first time I had a conversation with someone talking about God working in their life, saying that they were "able to accomplish their goals by Jesus alone." I was pretty taken aback and my mom and I chuckled the whole ride home.


Looking back at this I laugh because now I am one of those people! 


And before my faith truly took root and began to deepen, I always wondered what I was missing.  I wondered if I was missing the magic formula for a great faith.  I questioned what I was doing wrong if I went to youth group every week.  I doubted that reading the Bible would be fruitful for me because most of the time I ended up feeling confused... 
Oh how wrong I was about everything.


The entire time God had been right in front of my face, knocking at my hardened heart, and with me holding on to my pride with a death grip, I refused to believe that I had to go any deeper than I had gone before.  My faith was perfect right where it was.


Then like He has always done, He shined a light.


I have had an extremely blessed life..way more than I feel like I deserve sometimes.  
Despite all of the sunshiney parts of my life, I have gone through some very dark times.
Many of them stemming and feeding off of my issue with myself. 


My issues with inadequacy, self-esteem, perfectionism, and lack of confidence that I mattered at all to anyone.
Every dark time could be traced back to one of these 4 things.


I had never taken a serious interest in studying God's Word until then..which is kind of hilarious to me because I had been seeking truth out for so long and there was a book from God Himself there all along sitting in my dresser.  Oh the humor of being so blind...
And when I chose to open my heart to hearing His word daily over the summer after a very rough senior year, this choice alone changed my life.  


Since allowing God to be the center of my heart, He has shown me that this life is NOT about me.  This life is so far beyond the trivial pursuits of my sinful heart and by the grace of God,  I get to play a role in His magnificent plan for His people through the power of Christ.


I get to play a part in other peoples' lives. How cool is that?!


I get to be in relationship with people made in the image of God.
I get to be a source of hope for people stumbling through this life blind to God's love and to those who simply need a reminder of His power to change them.
I get to be somebody who can testify. Somebody who can share God's restoration and healing in the wake of my own personal trials overcome by the Light.

I can be a person who lives life in the fullest, serving, loving, inspiring, encouraging, passionate way we were created to.  
I will be the person who strives to point people to Christ in every way that I can.
Right now, I have a deep passion for God that I cannot hold in any longer. 

"But if I say, 

    "I will not mention him or speak any more   in his name," 

         his word is in my heart like a fire, 

                           a fire shut up in my bones.

                             I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot."  [ Jeremiah 20:9 ]

    Lord,  I want to lead the kind of life where You are the heartbeat, the breath to my lungs.  Let the words I say profess my love for You and continue to praise You for all that You have done, will do, and for who You are.  Let me be a leader in my everyday life, who through You, can show this campus, my family, my friends, this world the wonder of Your presence and love in this life.  You are the fire in my heart and it cannot be contained any longer because our time here is precious and far too short to wait for another opportunity or open door to what You call us to. Ignite my spirit to keep searching deeper to know the unending expanse of glory of Your throne.  


Jesus, You are the reason I walk in hope, in love, and in light.  

"Let the songs I sing bring joy to you        Let the words I say confess my love             Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune                   Father let my heart be after you                           In this hour of doubt I see                              Who I am is not just me                                   So give me strength to die myself                                       So love can live to tell the tale.."                                                                -Needtobreathe

Restored by a Healer.

"Healer, Healer, I am restored by a Healer..."


As I was about to leave to go get coffee this morning, I had this urge to read.   After a great conversation with a new (and amazing) friend of mine last night, Bailey, I was reminded of a book she had lent me towards the beginning of this year and decided to pick it up again.
Grabbing Captivating, I headed out the door and I was on my way. 


I found a table at Lemonjellos (for the second time in my time here at Hope might I add..) and I sat down with my coffee, put my headphones in, and began to read.
Having lost my spot, I flipped open to a chapter towards the middle.


It was entitled "Wounds".


Immediately,  I fell into the reading and was astounded at how accurate it was in describing the way I had lived my life much of last year into this summer.


Last year, my wounds came to define me after my life seemingly fell apart.


Lets get one thing straight before I go on...
I was never a self-confident person. 
I am the one who when someone would compliment me, it would literally feel as if someone were cutting a piece out of my soul. No exaggerations.


It felt as if people were saying all of these nice 'surfacey' things and yet I saw them as blatant lies people spewed out for some strange reason to make me feel better about myself.


"Taylor, you're really pretty."
False.


A personal favorite: "You don't have a boyfriend? Why not!?"
I don't know, why don't you ask the boys who are asking the other girls out.


"You are such a good person."
No, I'm not. I am unbelievably selfish most of the time.


"I am so proud of you have become."
How could you?  I feel like I don't even deserve to be loved or a part of a family that loves me unconditionally.


These were my thoughts.  How unbelievably obvious it is now looking back that Satan was at work in my suffering, turning my heart towards resentment, frustration, and darkness I had allowed to grow instead of turning to Jesus, who I had accepted into my heart more towards the last half of my journey taken in darkness.


The thing is that I spent my entire middle school years waiting for a change, waiting for someone to validate me, and to feel worth something.  
Always the friend, never that girl.
Never the one who guys noticed, never the one who people would want to get to know, never the one with enough A's to live up to my own impossible standards, never the one who felt pretty or thin enough...

Surely, if I was more beautiful, I was thinner, less self-absorbed, funnier, easier to talk to, less of a perfectionist...maybe then I could find what I had been furiously running towards my entire life instead of waiting...

This seemingly endless cycle of waiting continued on all throughout high school as I searched and searched...waited and waited...and nothing.  

Not until God met me in my weakness did I catch a glimpse of the beautiful life I was missing out on.

Another excerpt from Captivating captures exactly where I was at my lowest point in my senior year.

[ Most of you thought the things that have happened to you were somehow your fault-that you deserved it.  If only you had been prettier or smarter or done more or pleased them, somehow it wouldn't have happened.  You would have been loved.  They wouldn't have hurt you.  And most of you are living with the guilt that somehow it's your fault you aren't more deeply pursued now. ] -Captivating  (85)

My insecurities had wound razors around my heart so tightly I couldn't see beyond my own hurting.

My worth had been dependent on how outwardly beautiful I thought others saw me as and when I continually felt ignored and forgotten, my worth would crumble.

I turned the blame inward when people chose to leave me and I raised my finger high to the sky when people betrayed, abandoned me, or simply left without a goodbye saying,

I knew that would happen, they were destined to leave.  I didn't deserve to be with that person anyways, they were too good for me.  I obviously wasn't worth the effort to date/get to know/have in their life so they'll find someone better than me... 

Since then God has taken me, sat me down, and shook me.

What are you thinking Taylor!?!? 

You are loved.  You are cherished.  I can use you!! 

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine."-Isaiah 43:1

In my deepest moments of sorrow, I felt so abandoned.

I felt like God had broken his promises and allowed hurt to come into my life for no reason at all. I didn't feel worthy of even calling myself a Christian after giving up on God every time people would hurt me.  I lost hope that I would ever find somebody who would love me enough to stick around...

Sitting here now, I am not going to lie.  I still fall victim to my old way of thinking...that there must be a reason why I'm by myself year after year. Again. Everybody doing fine and dandy...and I'm still waiting.

God continuously reminds me of the virtue of patience.

He reminds me that there is nothing wrong with me, but that I have been called to a higher purpose to serve Him and that when the timing is right, He will bring people and things into my life that will help me grow closer to God.

I've learned that I can wait,

and that God can use every one of us in so many ways beyond ourselves. 

I have been taught so much in these past six months that sometimes I just want to scream. Literally (in a good way though).

He has taken my sin and whipped it off the side of the mountain (visual thanks to Bailey). 

He has shown me that I cannot place my worth in others but in Him alone.

When the world has fragmented my hope, my spirit, and my heart, 

He restores it.  Over and over again He restores me.

God tells us this from His word: 

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds"- Psalm 147:3

"Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard."-Isaiah 58:8

I am reminded of God's healing on a daily basis when I look back at how far He has carried me to this point in my life.

My self-confidence isn't 100% but whose is? I can't keep seeking out empty beauty because I will come up dry. Earthly beauty isn't the prize that will ever fill the gaps in my life anyways.

I'm beginning to see that God doesn't use the "perfect" but calls the broken to step up to bring healing to others, and what is truly beautiful is God's restoration and healing.  When you truly believe and understand this, God is going to reveal things to you so far beyond the  surface life so many fall victim to.

His healing hands will reveal an everlasting truth so beyond our earthly pain if we let him.  The wounds we carry will continue to be infected by the sting of our own darkness if we choose to keep our hearts shut to the Light that longs to heal us.

I will leave you with a passage from an amazing book that continues to remind me that Christ is the reason we are no longer prisoners of darkness but children of the Light.    

[ Take a deep look into the eyes of anyone and behind the smile or the fear you will find pain.  And most people are in more pain than even they realize.  Sorrow is not a stranger to any of us, though only a few have learned that it is not our enemy either.  Because we are the only ones loved by the God, the King of kings, Jesus himself, who came to heal the brokenhearted and set the captives free, we can take a look back.  We can take his hand and remember.  We must remember if we would not be held prisoner to the wounds and the messages we received growing up ] -Captivating.




"He was pierced for our transgressions
And crushed for our sins
The punishment that brought us peace was upon Him
And by His wounds, by His wounds we are healed" 
-"By His Wounds" Glory Revealed