[Jeremiah 20:9] Indeed I cannot

I want to scream on top of a mountain!!
I want to run up to the top of that hill and tell everyone what they're missing out on!!
I want to sit down with every single person and tell them how much they are loved!


Sound extreme? Yeah, I thought so. 




There were times where I was confused.
Times where I was jealous.
Times where I couldn't understand.
Times where I would laugh.


This is how I felt looking at people who had a very visible and deep passion for God.  Those Christians so overflowing with joy that I couldn't help wondering what was moving them to act in such a way.


I remember the first time I saw someone worshiping and I went to school next day to recount the story to my lunch table of friends.  I laughed along with them as we talked about how "weird" and "cultish" it was.


I remember the first time I had a conversation with someone talking about God working in their life, saying that they were "able to accomplish their goals by Jesus alone." I was pretty taken aback and my mom and I chuckled the whole ride home.


Looking back at this I laugh because now I am one of those people! 


And before my faith truly took root and began to deepen, I always wondered what I was missing.  I wondered if I was missing the magic formula for a great faith.  I questioned what I was doing wrong if I went to youth group every week.  I doubted that reading the Bible would be fruitful for me because most of the time I ended up feeling confused... 
Oh how wrong I was about everything.


The entire time God had been right in front of my face, knocking at my hardened heart, and with me holding on to my pride with a death grip, I refused to believe that I had to go any deeper than I had gone before.  My faith was perfect right where it was.


Then like He has always done, He shined a light.


I have had an extremely blessed life..way more than I feel like I deserve sometimes.  
Despite all of the sunshiney parts of my life, I have gone through some very dark times.
Many of them stemming and feeding off of my issue with myself. 


My issues with inadequacy, self-esteem, perfectionism, and lack of confidence that I mattered at all to anyone.
Every dark time could be traced back to one of these 4 things.


I had never taken a serious interest in studying God's Word until then..which is kind of hilarious to me because I had been seeking truth out for so long and there was a book from God Himself there all along sitting in my dresser.  Oh the humor of being so blind...
And when I chose to open my heart to hearing His word daily over the summer after a very rough senior year, this choice alone changed my life.  


Since allowing God to be the center of my heart, He has shown me that this life is NOT about me.  This life is so far beyond the trivial pursuits of my sinful heart and by the grace of God,  I get to play a role in His magnificent plan for His people through the power of Christ.


I get to play a part in other peoples' lives. How cool is that?!


I get to be in relationship with people made in the image of God.
I get to be a source of hope for people stumbling through this life blind to God's love and to those who simply need a reminder of His power to change them.
I get to be somebody who can testify. Somebody who can share God's restoration and healing in the wake of my own personal trials overcome by the Light.

I can be a person who lives life in the fullest, serving, loving, inspiring, encouraging, passionate way we were created to.  
I will be the person who strives to point people to Christ in every way that I can.
Right now, I have a deep passion for God that I cannot hold in any longer. 

"But if I say, 

    "I will not mention him or speak any more   in his name," 

         his word is in my heart like a fire, 

                           a fire shut up in my bones.

                             I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot."  [ Jeremiah 20:9 ]

    Lord,  I want to lead the kind of life where You are the heartbeat, the breath to my lungs.  Let the words I say profess my love for You and continue to praise You for all that You have done, will do, and for who You are.  Let me be a leader in my everyday life, who through You, can show this campus, my family, my friends, this world the wonder of Your presence and love in this life.  You are the fire in my heart and it cannot be contained any longer because our time here is precious and far too short to wait for another opportunity or open door to what You call us to. Ignite my spirit to keep searching deeper to know the unending expanse of glory of Your throne.  


Jesus, You are the reason I walk in hope, in love, and in light.  

"Let the songs I sing bring joy to you        Let the words I say confess my love             Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune                   Father let my heart be after you                           In this hour of doubt I see                              Who I am is not just me                                   So give me strength to die myself                                       So love can live to tell the tale.."                                                                -Needtobreathe

Restored by a Healer.

"Healer, Healer, I am restored by a Healer..."


As I was about to leave to go get coffee this morning, I had this urge to read.   After a great conversation with a new (and amazing) friend of mine last night, Bailey, I was reminded of a book she had lent me towards the beginning of this year and decided to pick it up again.
Grabbing Captivating, I headed out the door and I was on my way. 


I found a table at Lemonjellos (for the second time in my time here at Hope might I add..) and I sat down with my coffee, put my headphones in, and began to read.
Having lost my spot, I flipped open to a chapter towards the middle.


It was entitled "Wounds".


Immediately,  I fell into the reading and was astounded at how accurate it was in describing the way I had lived my life much of last year into this summer.


Last year, my wounds came to define me after my life seemingly fell apart.


Lets get one thing straight before I go on...
I was never a self-confident person. 
I am the one who when someone would compliment me, it would literally feel as if someone were cutting a piece out of my soul. No exaggerations.


It felt as if people were saying all of these nice 'surfacey' things and yet I saw them as blatant lies people spewed out for some strange reason to make me feel better about myself.


"Taylor, you're really pretty."
False.


A personal favorite: "You don't have a boyfriend? Why not!?"
I don't know, why don't you ask the boys who are asking the other girls out.


"You are such a good person."
No, I'm not. I am unbelievably selfish most of the time.


"I am so proud of you have become."
How could you?  I feel like I don't even deserve to be loved or a part of a family that loves me unconditionally.


These were my thoughts.  How unbelievably obvious it is now looking back that Satan was at work in my suffering, turning my heart towards resentment, frustration, and darkness I had allowed to grow instead of turning to Jesus, who I had accepted into my heart more towards the last half of my journey taken in darkness.


The thing is that I spent my entire middle school years waiting for a change, waiting for someone to validate me, and to feel worth something.  
Always the friend, never that girl.
Never the one who guys noticed, never the one who people would want to get to know, never the one with enough A's to live up to my own impossible standards, never the one who felt pretty or thin enough...

Surely, if I was more beautiful, I was thinner, less self-absorbed, funnier, easier to talk to, less of a perfectionist...maybe then I could find what I had been furiously running towards my entire life instead of waiting...

This seemingly endless cycle of waiting continued on all throughout high school as I searched and searched...waited and waited...and nothing.  

Not until God met me in my weakness did I catch a glimpse of the beautiful life I was missing out on.

Another excerpt from Captivating captures exactly where I was at my lowest point in my senior year.

[ Most of you thought the things that have happened to you were somehow your fault-that you deserved it.  If only you had been prettier or smarter or done more or pleased them, somehow it wouldn't have happened.  You would have been loved.  They wouldn't have hurt you.  And most of you are living with the guilt that somehow it's your fault you aren't more deeply pursued now. ] -Captivating  (85)

My insecurities had wound razors around my heart so tightly I couldn't see beyond my own hurting.

My worth had been dependent on how outwardly beautiful I thought others saw me as and when I continually felt ignored and forgotten, my worth would crumble.

I turned the blame inward when people chose to leave me and I raised my finger high to the sky when people betrayed, abandoned me, or simply left without a goodbye saying,

I knew that would happen, they were destined to leave.  I didn't deserve to be with that person anyways, they were too good for me.  I obviously wasn't worth the effort to date/get to know/have in their life so they'll find someone better than me... 

Since then God has taken me, sat me down, and shook me.

What are you thinking Taylor!?!? 

You are loved.  You are cherished.  I can use you!! 

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine."-Isaiah 43:1

In my deepest moments of sorrow, I felt so abandoned.

I felt like God had broken his promises and allowed hurt to come into my life for no reason at all. I didn't feel worthy of even calling myself a Christian after giving up on God every time people would hurt me.  I lost hope that I would ever find somebody who would love me enough to stick around...

Sitting here now, I am not going to lie.  I still fall victim to my old way of thinking...that there must be a reason why I'm by myself year after year. Again. Everybody doing fine and dandy...and I'm still waiting.

God continuously reminds me of the virtue of patience.

He reminds me that there is nothing wrong with me, but that I have been called to a higher purpose to serve Him and that when the timing is right, He will bring people and things into my life that will help me grow closer to God.

I've learned that I can wait,

and that God can use every one of us in so many ways beyond ourselves. 

I have been taught so much in these past six months that sometimes I just want to scream. Literally (in a good way though).

He has taken my sin and whipped it off the side of the mountain (visual thanks to Bailey). 

He has shown me that I cannot place my worth in others but in Him alone.

When the world has fragmented my hope, my spirit, and my heart, 

He restores it.  Over and over again He restores me.

God tells us this from His word: 

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds"- Psalm 147:3

"Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard."-Isaiah 58:8

I am reminded of God's healing on a daily basis when I look back at how far He has carried me to this point in my life.

My self-confidence isn't 100% but whose is? I can't keep seeking out empty beauty because I will come up dry. Earthly beauty isn't the prize that will ever fill the gaps in my life anyways.

I'm beginning to see that God doesn't use the "perfect" but calls the broken to step up to bring healing to others, and what is truly beautiful is God's restoration and healing.  When you truly believe and understand this, God is going to reveal things to you so far beyond the  surface life so many fall victim to.

His healing hands will reveal an everlasting truth so beyond our earthly pain if we let him.  The wounds we carry will continue to be infected by the sting of our own darkness if we choose to keep our hearts shut to the Light that longs to heal us.

I will leave you with a passage from an amazing book that continues to remind me that Christ is the reason we are no longer prisoners of darkness but children of the Light.    

[ Take a deep look into the eyes of anyone and behind the smile or the fear you will find pain.  And most people are in more pain than even they realize.  Sorrow is not a stranger to any of us, though only a few have learned that it is not our enemy either.  Because we are the only ones loved by the God, the King of kings, Jesus himself, who came to heal the brokenhearted and set the captives free, we can take a look back.  We can take his hand and remember.  We must remember if we would not be held prisoner to the wounds and the messages we received growing up ] -Captivating.




"He was pierced for our transgressions
And crushed for our sins
The punishment that brought us peace was upon Him
And by His wounds, by His wounds we are healed" 
-"By His Wounds" Glory Revealed

Whispers

"You call us here so we could find our purpose 

You bring us here, one body, to find rest 
You pull us close to you, close together 

So close we hear your whisper, feel your breath..." 

On Tuesday, God spoke.

Not in a booming voice or a storm, 

but in a whisper.

For the past three months I have been volunteering at The Rock Urban Ministries in Holland, Michigan.  Since arriving, I have been tutoring a boy in the sixth grade who I have loved getting to know and spending time with every week for 2 hours.  Coming into tutoring yesterday, I had no idea what God was about to say.


As I sat there listening to a message from Todd on a passage from Scripture, something about this message was different.  It was a teaching on Matthew 13 on the parable of the sower, which is a story I studied over the summer in my personal Bible study.  It struck me as I sat there and looked around the room how amazing it is that God is providing such wisdom into these kid's lives.  This entire staff is coming alongside these kids to guide them into the life God desires for each of them, away from the darkness that threatens many of these kids' futures.  I have seen firsthand how hard each one of them works to provide these kids with opportunities, with knowledge, with discipline, with tutoring, and above all, with love.


Ending the message, a boy volunteered to pray and for the first time, I could see that he was taking it seriously.  Bowing his head, he began and thanked God for keeping his family and others safe from harm and for the gift of God's love.  Every staff person in the room had their eyes on him and were smiling as they waited for him to continue.  The usual prayers to come out of these kids are not serious but more aimed at being funny and making the others laugh.


I knew God was teaching me and that He had been the entire school year.  I came to the full realization of what God was doing at this ministry as I saw it all unfold in the past three months and how His invisible hand was guiding each of these kids deeper into His love with every day.


Watching the students eat dinner, I noticed that the boy I tutor was in line for dinner. He had been absent last week and I decided to ask why.  Avoiding the question, he dodged me and quickly ran back to the homework room.  A bit confused, I followed.


We sat down at a circular table up against the wall and attempted the weekly struggle to get down to business with homework.  As usual, he was hilarious and I loved every minute of it, okay with the fact we were just enjoying the moment.


We got through his spanish vocabulary list eventually and that's when free time came around.
I asked him if it was ok if I asked him some questions for my research project and he excitedly agreed, smiling ear to ear and jumping out his chair.  We moved to the corner of the room while all the other kids shuffled out of the room.


I began asking him questions about school and slowly as I did this, he opened up.
Feeling ignored, undervalued, and discouraged were common feelings of his and this broke my heart.
Frustrations about teachers not paying attention to him in school eventually bridged over to family issues he was obviously hesitant to talk about.  I found myself enjoying finding out more about who he is and his story, moving from question to question as we moved deeper.  But as I sat there looking at him with his saddened eyes and an exposed heart, God nudged me.

SOCIAL WORK.


What I was doing at that moment was what I would be doing if I did Social Work...really God!? 


Having been praying these past few weeks for guidance to discern where God desires me to go, this was kind of crazy for me!  I can serve God by helping kids and others through the difficult storms life brings through.


In leaving that day, I felt amazed once again at how God weaves things into our lives according to His plan.  


I would not have had this experience if I hadn't been in that section of English 113, 
I would not have gotten to know the boy that I tutor, 
I couldn't have seen God at work at The Rock...


When God whispers, it is a reminder to me that I need to start listening.  We need to start listening..  

{ Whether you turn to the right or to the left, 

your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, 

"This is the way; walk in it."} 

 -Isaiah 30:21 }

So busy and stressed, I often forget to watch and wait for Him to take action or to speak.
I often times miss out on what He wants to show me because I am so set on my own way of doing things that almost always leaves me shattered.
I've learned that in listening to God and in consistent prayer for His will in our lives, Jesus will fill the silence and our daily lives with whispers to guide us along the path He lights for us to follow Him.




God, 
You are more beautiful than words my mouth can speak, my voice can sing, and my fingers can write.  You whisper of ways so far beyond this world, so unbelievably beautiful they make my heart shine of the hope I have in You to lead me to the life I'm meant to live.  May I learn to seek out and listen to Your whispers for guidance onto this path I am catching glimpses of. May my life be a blazing offering, fully devoted to sharing God's unending love in others' lives. In Your holy and righteous name, Amen.

                                                                                                                        

"More than I need 

  More than your love. 

More than I need, 

More than enough 

Are your words, oh God 

And all that I am, 

All that I have are your words...

                                                                                                                    You have my attention.." 

                                                                                                         -Knowhope Collective

You deserve more.

I am so sorry.
God, this is my apology directed to You.


I have so many areas of my life I need to fix yet I continue to push them to the side.  

• A broken relationship that I have become so frustrated and tired of that I desert it in hopes of the gap to be healed on its own.  
• My eyes so blindly fixated on materialistic things of the world that glitter and sparkle that I lose track of living simplistically.  
• The endless excuses I sputter off when God puts people in my path who need to be shown God's healing grace and guidance. 
• Getting too busy to pray for my loved ones..saying "I'll pray for you" and not following through.
• A frustrated and complaining heart that never ceases when day to day challenges arise.
• The reappearing issues of self-worth, body-image, and comparisons which leave me dizzy, confused, and frustrated when I can't change and modify how I look.
• A draining fear inside of me that I will end up alone...that I won't meet a man who is centered on Christ and that will love me for the rest of my life, inspiring me to live fully and carry out the desire I have always had to change this world.

You are so much more than what I make of You God and what I claim to be so firmly rooted in.

You go beyond wise words, half-hearted prayers, a set of rules to follow, being a role model.    

You are Jesus Christ, the King of this world, Ruler over my being, where the eternal and everlasting hope of this world and my life rests forevermore.

You deserve so much more than what my life is reflecting.  

In the past month, I have felt God push me in the direction of social work.  I had initially been ecstatic about the possibility to help people work through problems because I had felt that was Jesus' purpose for my life in my senior year as I had helped push many of my friends through some rough waters by the grace of God.  I fell away from the idea when family members of mine shut down the idea, saying there was no money to be had and seemingly giving me the red light.  Ignoring God, I chose to believe the lies.  I began to believe that I needed a career with more money, something more 'honorable' than social work. Moving on, I explored other potential possibilities but nothing seemed to stick.  

As of right now, I am not sure if being a social worker is God's calling for my life even though I have felt very drawn to it in the past and very recently.  The thing that I have realized above all is that if it is, and God shows me that is how He wants me to serve, I will do it.  All money aside, I will be a social worker and shine hope and understanding into the hearts of God's children who need it.  

You deserve more of my love,

my hope, 

my devotion, 

my service, 

my heart.

Yes, I do devotions. 

I call my mom every few days. I am a good girl.  I read the Bible. I go to chapel three times a week and church on most Sundays. I am a decent friend. I don't really swear. I am not a fan of gossip.  I try not to lie.  But does this make me a true searching and serious Christ follower?  Where is the point where I should be satisfied with where I'm at spiritually?

You deserve to be the God I furiously seek, the One I desperately search for to illuminate my steps as I venture through the thorns.  You should be the One I run to when the rain blurs my vision and stings my eyes.  Your love needs to be the reason I carry on and the reason I surrender to living Christ's plan instead of my own.

You are the sweetest song, the melodious sonnet to my fragmented heart.
You are the healing waters that rush over my scars and make me clean.
You are the beautiful friend who clothes me in honest words.

I have realized there is no way around being a servant to God, either you are or you aren't. 

You believe that Jesus is real or you don't.

You believe that Jesus will provide or you don't.

No in between, no gray areas.

Black and white, light and darkness.

All in for God or not at all.

"Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important."
C. S. Lewis

These realizations I had on Friday from 11pm -1 am were thanks to 33 wonderful blog posts that I spent my night reading and reflecting on.  Through her writing, a new friend of mine has reminded me of so many things God has been trying to show me for quite some time.  Reading her wise words was a reminder of who God is and how much more He deserves of my heart daily.  It is inspiration to be the light I know that I have the power to be if I allow Christ to transform me.  Bailey, thank you so much for your unbelievable passion for life, it has inspired me to live like Christ and also much more than that.  Your writing has reminded me that God's passionate and searching love runs deeply inside each of us, that spiritual growth is renewed when we seek Him with our whole hearts and that living in love with Him the way He intended us to in reckless abandon with our arms in the air dancing like nobody is watching is the only way to truly live :)

	Make me to know thy ways, O Lord; teach me thy paths.
	Lead me in thy truth, and teach me, for thou art the God of my salvation; for thee I wait all the day long. -Psalm 25:4

All alone

"Why are you looking for love, why are you still searching as if I'm not enough. To where will you go child, tell me where will you run, to where will you run?..."


Sometimes it can hit you.


That feeling that you are really alone in the world.
That at the end of the day it's just you. Nobody else.


Nobody else with you every single second of every single day, guiding you on, listening to your heart, completely present with you in every moment...except you.


You are the one at the end of the day who has to deal with your problems, face your fears, make difficult choices, say honest words that may end up hurting someone else, push through hopelessness that seems to never end...


The first few days of Hope College this was my reality.
My parents had peaced out back to Chicago and I was alone.  I had been texting one of my favorite friends from Kanakuk, Grace, and she knew how I was feeling. She sent me a verse saying a favorite verse of hers:


Isaiah 41:10
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."


This verse quickly became my source of strength those first lonely days when the world kept spinning on and I felt stuck up against a wall waiting for someone to come and take me in. Since then, everything has changed but those feelings still return.
There have been a couple times recently where I will be surrounded my a crowd of people, yet I feel completely alone.
I feel as though people don't really get me sometimes...
I have this dream burning inside of me for people to know Christ and that is my desire every single day.  God has given me the freedom to shine the passion and to live it out but it is a much tougher road than I imagined...


I've faced tension in friendships, family relationships, and in other beginning relationships...and it is not easy.  


People get disappointed, feelings get hurt, people are unavailable, people ignore you for no reason, some want too much of you that you simply can't give, people make clear cut exits out of your life and turn your world over in a second...


Certain people in my life haven't agreed with how I want to live an authentic life for Christ and living with this knowledge hurts me deeply and the relationship I have with them.


I have seen first hand how human relationships may prosper for a time but they are not guaranteed to bring us the happiness and fulfillment we search for.  We mustn't let our hearts be fixed on acceptance of other people in our lives when God is the one we should be living to serve and love with all of our hearts.  


We so often stumble in the dark searching for love and to be embraced by boyfriends, girl friends, friends at school, and our families.  None of these things are inherently bad, but when we place our identity, self-worth, and happiness in them, we may end up more shattered than fulfilled.  The freedom God gives us daily is the biggest blessing of all and trusting Him to be the One we partner with is the decision we as Christians have to make...


Many times I have felt alone as life becomes a blur sometimes with the mountain of school work to do, endless lists of nothings to accomplish, and days to speed through...and I forget we have this freedom.


Freedom to expand my faith, the freedom to choose the relationships I want to invest in, the freedom to take the classes I want to, and most importantly, the freedom of how to live my life.


There is nobody here shoving rules down my throat, taking my wrist and dragging me along a road I don't want to travel.  It is up to me to make the decision every single morning to wake up, get dressed, and go to class.  


But beyond this there are those harder decisions...
The ones you want so much for others to make for you because your heart is in turmoil and you don't know where to turn.  This is where your gut reaction is to lean on your own understanding and exactly when God desires us to lean into Him, but we can be too blind to realize it.


I have come to see that although there are those times when we are faced with hard decisions and feel all alone, God is waiting to take your hand and lead us in His ways if you are willing to turn your eyes to Him.  
You will be disappointed time and time again if you are letting your faith rest solely in this world because God is the only One who will never let you fall even when the darkness is looming.  


The nights will come.
I guarantee you that.  There will be those times when you are conflicted and are looking in every direction.  The simple answer to this is to look to Jesus.  He alone is our source of hope and direction when we are feeling lost and broken.  Jesus uses our hard decisions so that we may learn to fix our eyes on His kingdom alone and for us to see that closed doors are simply a moment away from other open doors if we follow His will.


God, show us that You are by our side every single step of this path we walk for You.  Let us not be discouraged by those who question our passion and desire to live for You.  You are so worth the struggle and tension we face for You are the God of our salvation.  When others doubt our choices and why we are following You, let us push aside every opinion of the world to shine on top of the hill with the brightest light we can muster.   Make your presence known to us in the darkness and guide us in Your ways alone because life was never made to be walked out all alone.  


Let us pray for and wait patiently for those in our lives to inspire us to be more like You, but also to never forget that we must also lead authentic, intentional lives to motivate and inspire our friends, families, and strangers.  
Jesus, remind us to lay our pride down to love like You have loved. In Your name, Amen. 

"I know the journey seems so long You feel you're walking on your own But there has never been a step
Where you've walked out all alone. Troubled soul don't lose your heart Cause joy and peace he brings And the beauty that's in store Outweighs the hurt of life's sting..."
-Jeremy Camp