[Jeremiah 20:9] Indeed I cannot

I want to scream on top of a mountain!!
I want to run up to the top of that hill and tell everyone what they're missing out on!!
I want to sit down with every single person and tell them how much they are loved!


Sound extreme? Yeah, I thought so. 




There were times where I was confused.
Times where I was jealous.
Times where I couldn't understand.
Times where I would laugh.


This is how I felt looking at people who had a very visible and deep passion for God.  Those Christians so overflowing with joy that I couldn't help wondering what was moving them to act in such a way.


I remember the first time I saw someone worshiping and I went to school next day to recount the story to my lunch table of friends.  I laughed along with them as we talked about how "weird" and "cultish" it was.


I remember the first time I had a conversation with someone talking about God working in their life, saying that they were "able to accomplish their goals by Jesus alone." I was pretty taken aback and my mom and I chuckled the whole ride home.


Looking back at this I laugh because now I am one of those people! 


And before my faith truly took root and began to deepen, I always wondered what I was missing.  I wondered if I was missing the magic formula for a great faith.  I questioned what I was doing wrong if I went to youth group every week.  I doubted that reading the Bible would be fruitful for me because most of the time I ended up feeling confused... 
Oh how wrong I was about everything.


The entire time God had been right in front of my face, knocking at my hardened heart, and with me holding on to my pride with a death grip, I refused to believe that I had to go any deeper than I had gone before.  My faith was perfect right where it was.


Then like He has always done, He shined a light.


I have had an extremely blessed life..way more than I feel like I deserve sometimes.  
Despite all of the sunshiney parts of my life, I have gone through some very dark times.
Many of them stemming and feeding off of my issue with myself. 


My issues with inadequacy, self-esteem, perfectionism, and lack of confidence that I mattered at all to anyone.
Every dark time could be traced back to one of these 4 things.


I had never taken a serious interest in studying God's Word until then..which is kind of hilarious to me because I had been seeking truth out for so long and there was a book from God Himself there all along sitting in my dresser.  Oh the humor of being so blind...
And when I chose to open my heart to hearing His word daily over the summer after a very rough senior year, this choice alone changed my life.  


Since allowing God to be the center of my heart, He has shown me that this life is NOT about me.  This life is so far beyond the trivial pursuits of my sinful heart and by the grace of God,  I get to play a role in His magnificent plan for His people through the power of Christ.


I get to play a part in other peoples' lives. How cool is that?!


I get to be in relationship with people made in the image of God.
I get to be a source of hope for people stumbling through this life blind to God's love and to those who simply need a reminder of His power to change them.
I get to be somebody who can testify. Somebody who can share God's restoration and healing in the wake of my own personal trials overcome by the Light.

I can be a person who lives life in the fullest, serving, loving, inspiring, encouraging, passionate way we were created to.  
I will be the person who strives to point people to Christ in every way that I can.
Right now, I have a deep passion for God that I cannot hold in any longer. 

"But if I say, 

    "I will not mention him or speak any more   in his name," 

         his word is in my heart like a fire, 

                           a fire shut up in my bones.

                             I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot."  [ Jeremiah 20:9 ]

    Lord,  I want to lead the kind of life where You are the heartbeat, the breath to my lungs.  Let the words I say profess my love for You and continue to praise You for all that You have done, will do, and for who You are.  Let me be a leader in my everyday life, who through You, can show this campus, my family, my friends, this world the wonder of Your presence and love in this life.  You are the fire in my heart and it cannot be contained any longer because our time here is precious and far too short to wait for another opportunity or open door to what You call us to. Ignite my spirit to keep searching deeper to know the unending expanse of glory of Your throne.  


Jesus, You are the reason I walk in hope, in love, and in light.  

"Let the songs I sing bring joy to you        Let the words I say confess my love             Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune                   Father let my heart be after you                           In this hour of doubt I see                              Who I am is not just me                                   So give me strength to die myself                                       So love can live to tell the tale.."                                                                -Needtobreathe