As I was about to leave to go get coffee this morning, I had this urge to read. After a great conversation with a new (and amazing) friend of mine last night, Bailey, I was reminded of a book she had lent me towards the beginning of this year and decided to pick it up again.
Grabbing Captivating, I headed out the door and I was on my way.
I found a table at Lemonjellos (for the second time in my time here at Hope might I add..) and I sat down with my coffee, put my headphones in, and began to read.
Having lost my spot, I flipped open to a chapter towards the middle.
It was entitled "Wounds".
Immediately, I fell into the reading and was astounded at how accurate it was in describing the way I had lived my life much of last year into this summer.
Last year, my wounds came to define me after my life seemingly fell apart.
Lets get one thing straight before I go on...
I was never a self-confident person.
I am the one who when someone would compliment me, it would literally feel as if someone were cutting a piece out of my soul. No exaggerations.
It felt as if people were saying all of these nice 'surfacey' things and yet I saw them as blatant lies people spewed out for some strange reason to make me feel better about myself.
"Taylor, you're really pretty."
False.
A personal favorite: "You don't have a boyfriend? Why not!?"
I don't know, why don't you ask the boys who are asking the other girls out.
"You are such a good person."
No, I'm not. I am unbelievably selfish most of the time.
"I am so proud of you have become."
How could you? I feel like I don't even deserve to be loved or a part of a family that loves me unconditionally.
These were my thoughts. How unbelievably obvious it is now looking back that Satan was at work in my suffering, turning my heart towards resentment, frustration, and darkness I had allowed to grow instead of turning to Jesus, who I had accepted into my heart more towards the last half of my journey taken in darkness.
The thing is that I spent my entire middle school years waiting for a change, waiting for someone to validate me, and to feel worth something.
Always the friend, never that girl.
Never the one who guys noticed, never the one who people would want to get to know, never the one with enough A's to live up to my own impossible standards, never the one who felt pretty or thin enough...
Surely, if I was more beautiful, I was thinner, less self-absorbed, funnier, easier to talk to, less of a perfectionist...maybe then I could find what I had been furiously running towards my entire life instead of waiting...
This seemingly endless cycle of waiting continued on all throughout high school as I searched and searched...waited and waited...and nothing.
Not until God met me in my weakness did I catch a glimpse of the beautiful life I was missing out on.
Another excerpt from Captivating captures exactly where I was at my lowest point in my senior year.
[ Most of you thought the things that have happened to you were somehow your fault-that you deserved it. If only you had been prettier or smarter or done more or pleased them, somehow it wouldn't have happened. You would have been loved. They wouldn't have hurt you. And most of you are living with the guilt that somehow it's your fault you aren't more deeply pursued now. ] -Captivating (85)
My insecurities had wound razors around my heart so tightly I couldn't see beyond my own hurting.
My worth had been dependent on how outwardly beautiful I thought others saw me as and when I continually felt ignored and forgotten, my worth would crumble.
I turned the blame inward when people chose to leave me and I raised my finger high to the sky when people betrayed, abandoned me, or simply left without a goodbye saying,
I knew that would happen, they were destined to leave. I didn't deserve to be with that person anyways, they were too good for me. I obviously wasn't worth the effort to date/get to know/have in their life so they'll find someone better than me...
Since then God has taken me, sat me down, and shook me.
What are you thinking Taylor!?!?
You are loved. You are cherished. I can use you!!
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine."-Isaiah 43:1
In my deepest moments of sorrow, I felt so abandoned.
I felt like God had broken his promises and allowed hurt to come into my life for no reason at all. I didn't feel worthy of even calling myself a Christian after giving up on God every time people would hurt me. I lost hope that I would ever find somebody who would love me enough to stick around...
Sitting here now, I am not going to lie. I still fall victim to my old way of thinking...that there must be a reason why I'm by myself year after year. Again. Everybody doing fine and dandy...and I'm still waiting.
God continuously reminds me of the virtue of patience.
He reminds me that there is nothing wrong with me, but that I have been called to a higher purpose to serve Him and that when the timing is right, He will bring people and things into my life that will help me grow closer to God.
I've learned that I can wait,
and that God can use every one of us in so many ways beyond ourselves.
I have been taught so much in these past six months that sometimes I just want to scream. Literally (in a good way though).
He has taken my sin and whipped it off the side of the mountain (visual thanks to Bailey).
He has shown me that I cannot place my worth in others but in Him alone.
When the world has fragmented my hope, my spirit, and my heart,
He restores it. Over and over again He restores me.
God tells us this from His word:
"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds"- Psalm 147:3
"Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the Lord will be your rear guard."-Isaiah 58:8
I am reminded of God's healing on a daily basis when I look back at how far He has carried me to this point in my life.
My self-confidence isn't 100% but whose is? I can't keep seeking out empty beauty because I will come up dry. Earthly beauty isn't the prize that will ever fill the gaps in my life anyways.
I'm beginning to see that God doesn't use the "perfect" but calls the broken to step up to bring healing to others, and what is truly beautiful is God's restoration and healing. When you truly believe and understand this, God is going to reveal things to you so far beyond the surface life so many fall victim to.
His healing hands will reveal an everlasting truth so beyond our earthly pain if we let him. The wounds we carry will continue to be infected by the sting of our own darkness if we choose to keep our hearts shut to the Light that longs to heal us.
I will leave you with a passage from an amazing book that continues to remind me that Christ is the reason we are no longer prisoners of darkness but children of the Light.
[ Take a deep look into the eyes of anyone and behind the smile or the fear you will find pain. And most people are in more pain than even they realize. Sorrow is not a stranger to any of us, though only a few have learned that it is not our enemy either. Because we are the only ones loved by the God, the King of kings, Jesus himself, who came to heal the brokenhearted and set the captives free, we can take a look back. We can take his hand and remember. We must remember if we would not be held prisoner to the wounds and the messages we received growing up ] -Captivating.
"He was pierced for our transgressions
And crushed for our sins
The punishment that brought us peace was upon Him
And by His wounds, by His wounds we are healed"
-"By His Wounds" Glory Revealed
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