Loving yourself

"Love will make you beautiful..." -The Afters

A few weeks ago, I attended the last retreat of my high school career.  To be honest, I needed it more than ever.  I was at such a low point with my heart being in the wrong place in the weeks leading up to it and being able to attend was beyond amazing.

The words spoken on that retreat were words of healing.  Words of grace. Words of forgiveness.  Words of TRUTH straight from God that I desperately needed to hear spoken through worship...speakers...leaders... my friends.

"Our biggest fear is that others see us the way that we see ourselves..." Josh Reibock said scanning the audience.

I felt like he had spoken soley to me and immediately felt like disappearing into the back of the auditorium. This was the last session of the trip and the words unraveled me...and it STUNG.

Ouch.

I had a conversation with one of my best friends earlier that day about the battles I'd been waging within my heart for a long time.  Broken down by people disappearing, a hole in my life with their abcense, I felt so alone even with a strong support network around me every step of the way...

Have you ever felt like that?  Surrounded by a sea of people (even ones who love, care, and respect you) and feeling like nobody wants to be around you.  You think people are seeing you how you see yourself.  And let me tell you something...this past year the view I had of myself was low.  Not good enough, not nice to her family, selfish, not pretty enough, too prideful, not living up to God's expectations...heck even my own expectations for me.  Being around groups of people was difficult at times...I felt like people's eyes immediately saw through the "Taylor happy act" and would see the shattered girl I didn't want anyone to see...especially God.

It was a pity party, party of 1 for Taylor!!

I invited myself to this pity party every time someone wronged me or I messed up. I would blame myself for others' hurtful actions, sure it was my own shortcomings that were to blame.  Talking to a friend today, we had a beautiful conversation about God's view of someone struggling with insecurity. insightful into the reason for issues I had been having with myself.

"You are living in the prison of yourself."

It is the truth.  I had created a world in my head filled to the brim with FEAR.

Fear of people getting to knowing the real me and then simply leaving my life once I had opened the door to my heart even just a sliver...but these are lies.

For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago..." -Ephesians 2:10

All the issues I had within myself about body-image, personality, fitting in etc. were all things God looks beyond.  He created us to love Him first but to do this fully, we must love ourselves.  There is no exception to this. 

This was something I have had trouble coming to terms with because it's easy to think that your problems disappear with time...but they do not.  My entire life I always thought the issues I had with my frightenly low self-esteem would somehow spiral upward throughout grade school...middle school...high school...so I never did a thing about it and it continued to worsen...until now I'm beginning to see that God looks at our hearts for where we stand in this life. 

Not on our physical beauty or handsomeness. 
Not our bubbly personalities.
Not our income.
Not on our all-star baseball batting records.
Not our Harvard-worthy GPA's.

1 Samuel 16:7 - "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

Yes, me must deny ourselves to fully follow His ways but without respect and love for what He created, it dishonors His creation.  You must learn to see yourself as an instrument for peace, to carry out the work He has given you within your life and to do everything out of love. 

Love for God, love for others and out of LOVE for yourself as you learn to walk humbly with God.  Love will make you beautiful but only if you allow it to penetrate the deepest fears carried in your own heart.

"Only when we raise our faith can we begin to serve ourselves..." -A friend